The shimmering heat and nary another sign of summer in this god forsaken basement apartment is worryingly depressing. This, coupled with very little regular human contact and a short supply of inspiration is not paying dividends and dropping me down a few 'new lows'. It's fracking July, kids, and I'm shacked up (or down) here while people are trouncing around the globe on their wondrous, albeit to me quite pointless, excursions; having affairs with seagulls and petting squirrels who were there at Auschwitz while drinking Hefeweissen with carrot pulp. I can't even make any discernible plans other than the usual weekend pisser because I know I won't have the means to go through with it - as evidenced by the inevitable money-call I now regularly make to daddy whenever panic sets in at the end of the month. Bless that man. With all this weighing on my mood, I am now thinking of pepping up my self-promotion, improving my net presence, and sexing up my social media thingy. Good bloody luck with THAT!
To this end, however, I am reluctantly perusing some of those excruciatingly upbeat blogs that give you 10 reasons/tips/headbutts/kisses/anecdotes/hickeys or whatever in the hope that something, pernicious or beneficial, might rub off on me. In my state, I might benefit from entertaining the delusion that they are ejaculating pro bono gold dust in the face of anyone who cares to listen. This might get me through the day, and that may just be all I need. Because, suspended disbelief willing, there's enough material to get me inspired and excited till I'm stone cold dead with my face pressed against the contents of the old colostomy pouch. The better ones even have their own podcasts (radio with more transistors) where they have some big cheese from the industry harping on about the days when an HB pencil was considered "technology". All this somehow comes back full circle to you having to hear about their new book, you guessed it, 10 things you should know before dot dot dot dot.
In the spirit of gloom-proof blogging tippery, then, here's mine:
10 Reasons Why You Should Bone Your Dead Grandmother:
1. She may have been buried with her valuables.
2. It's just one more way of dealing with grief.
3. She was asking for it (this goes in the report).
4. The acoustics make for an eerie podcast.
5. Because it might be outrageous enough for this 10 reasons business.
6. You might get Oatmeal's attention.
7. Novel and edgy tweets are in short supply.
8. Chuck Norris said so.
9. Necrophilic booty call.
10. Yes We Can.
With the unrelenting wish that you step on a box jellyfish miles away from any discernible shoreline and a menacing confusion is the last thing you feel. Tata.
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